10 Things Philadelphians are Tired of Hearing From Out-of-Towners

Your Clubs Closes at 2 am? Man I’m from (Insert Party City Here)

This especially rings true to those in the nightlife industry.  These pricks already know what time the club closes but they have to make sure everyone else knows just how “cool” it makes them by rubbing in the fact their hometown clubs and bars close when the sun comes up.  Is the fact that a club closes at 4 am or 5 am awesome?, hell yea but you sir/mam are still a lame for having to brag about it.  So please spare us the details about how great your clubs are when in reality you probably hardly go and when you do you’re standing in the back of the line with all the other shmucks.

Wait, you can’t buy beer at the convenience store or gas station?

Now this is more of an understandable question but we are still tired of hearing about it.  Look PA has very conservative laws for a “blue state” and Philly suffers badly due to this.  There would be nothing greater than to stop by a Wawa and pick up a 6 pack to go along with your hoagie.  Until a miracle happens we have to keep dreaming.  In the meantime out-of-towners will still be scratching their heads wondering where all the beer is being stored.  Explaining what the concept of a beer distributor is a whole other headache.

Is it always sunny in Philadelphia?

Ha….ha….we get it.  How clever of you, it’s not like it hasn’t already been done to death.  Look the show is amazingly awesome and has a lot of truths to it regarding our city.  However, if you are in town and you are itching to let this horrible joke roll off your tongue, just don’t.  Even when Philadelphians are out-of-town we get asked this overly used and lame question.  By the way the answer is yes.  It is always sunny in Philadelphia.  Next question please.

Where’s a good place to get a cheesesteak?

Look there are only two reasons to go the the tourist trap steak joints, for photo-ops to post pics on your Instagram or because all the local spots are closed.  The cold hard truth is the best steaks in the city are cooked up in local neighborhood pizza shops and bodegas.  However, when friends and family come from out-of-town we take them to the South Philly tourist traps not because they are the best steaks but because we know it wouldn’t be as appealing to post a pic at Joe Shmoes pizza shop up the block.  So if you really want a good steak ask your local Philadelphian for a take-out menu.  I am sure they have at least 5 in their kitchen drawer that you can order amazing steaks from.

Are Eagles fans really that crazy?

The legends of the Veteran Stadium 700 level haunt out-of-towners till this day.  Look the Linc still has rowdy fans acting up but your overall safety is not at risk.  Sure you will get a few boos and hand gestures if you’re wearing an opposing team jersey but understand football is a tough sport and this is a tough town.  Another thing you have to understand is that Philly is not a town of many transplants  as say NYC, Miami, or LA.  Most people are born and raised in and around the city or been spent significant time here so the passion for sports teams runs deep. So if you do get heckled at a game think of it like your big drunk uncle punching you in the chest as a youngster, it’s just tough love. (unless you’re a Cowboys fan then it’s just tough no love).

What’s a Jawn?

You don’t even have to be in the hip-hop culture to know what a jawn is.  In this day and age of sites like urban dictionary and rap genius it is pretty easy to find out what a jawn is without having to look like a square asking.  It almost feels like anytime a person asks it’s mocking the term.  Okay it’s not the most attractive of slang words but it’s definitely the most convenient.  It means anything and everything how could you not like this term unless you’re just a prude grammar nazi then of course you’ll hate hate that jawn.

Why do you call it a hoagie?

We get it, it’s called Subway so they must all be called a sub right? No, it is not.  It’s a hoagie.  If New Yorkers can get away with calling it a hero, let us have our hoagies! It’s our thing, it’s how we can tell locals apart from out-of-towners.  Sorry we have no long and drawn out explination as to why it’s called a hoagie, it just is.  Oh and and if you toast a hoagie it becomes a grinder, so write that down and remember it.  Philadelphians are serious about their food and hoagies are near and dear to our hearts, that is unless you’re on a gluten free diet then it’s just a meat platter.

 

What’s a State Store?

This is another face palm response.  Thanks to the good folks in Harrisburg, Pennsylvanians as a whole have to endure the trials and tribulations of dealing with state stores to purchase liquor and wine.  Yes, I’ve been to states such as Florida where wine and liquor are prominently displayed in grocery store isles.  I just stood in amazement fantasizing about going to a local ShopRite and picking up a bottle of tequila before heading to the cereal aisle.  So yes we know it sucks donkey balls that we have to deal with state stores so please do us a favor and save the stories of how you convenient it is to get liquor where you’re from.

 

Any good places to eat?

You gotta’ be joking right? This city is like food coma haven.  If there is one thing Philadelphians pride themselves in, it’s where to find the best foods.  Ask any local where to get the best Italian, Chinese, Latin, or American style food and although everyone will give different answers they will all swear up and down their spots are the best.  Food arguments are not uncommon here.  So when an out-of-towner asks “Any good places to eat?,” the first reaction will always be, are you kidding me?  The second is, what are you hungry for?

 

What’s Wooder Ice?

Part shameless self plug, part truth.  Wooder ice is just a Philly thing.  The rest of America can keep their Italian ice, we’ll keep the wooder ice.  Around here water is wooder and no treat says summer like a nice cup of wooder ice. Everyone has their favorite place or truck where they get theirs from.  Whether it’s the popular Rita’s or a local joint, you can’t turn down this treat.  So for visitors coming here in the summer time, don’t question why we refer to it as such.  Just eat, enjoy, and get familiar with the term because it’s never going anywhere.